Lean

You lean over and whisper, “Who is it?”

This moment is full of weight, but you’ve had a thousand like it. Sitting near Jesus. Pillows below you and all around. The low, rough-hewn table before you, piled with flat bread and wine, encircled by your closest companions.

You don’t smell so good, except for your feet. Unlike the rest of you, your feet are pristine, not a particle of dust from your ankles down. Jesus had just washed your feet, scrubbed you as if he were the lowliest of servants. Doesn’t he know what kind of muck gets on feet?

Yet Jesus leans in close to you. Sometimes back-to-back; sometimes shoulder to shoulder. His breath warm and sweet. On other nights, you could feel the tremor of his laughter, his delight in his friends.

Not so tonight. The mood is tense, like he’s trying to tell you important, urgent things—but these things make no sense. Suffering? Betrayal? “One of you is going to betray me.”

The twelve of you look at each other in silent shock. Peter motions to you and inclines his head toward Jesus. “Ask him who,” he mouths.

So you lean over, putting your weight on Jesus. “Lord,” you whisper, “who is it?”

Because you ask, he answers.

Because you lean in, he answers.

Because you depend on him, he answers.

You feel his body lean back on yours, too. Sinewed muscles, steadfast heartbeat.

His whispered answer: “It’s the one I give this crust of bread to, after I dip it in the dish.”

He makes the movements. The scene plays out before your eyes. The broken bread, dipped, given. Handed across the table. The feet rushing away, rushing to betray.

The intensity of this night, the increased frenzy—the unbelievable blur of suffering—honestly, it eclipsed this moment around the table.

But when you look back, this memory of sweet leaning is what you have come to treasure.

There was a mystery. And you leaned into Jesus to ask.

And Jesus told you his secret.

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Dear friend, have you leaned in for your answer?

Have you leaned in to hear Jesus’ secrets? 

Dear Friend,

Have you leaned in for your answer?

Have you leaned in to hear Jesus’ secrets?

The sweet intimacy of a friend who shares his heart with you—this is Jesus’ desire and great delight. He longs for you to lean on him and ask your deepest, hardest questions.

He calls you friend. And friends share secrets.

With love,

Your Friend Melana

Ponder. Practice. Pray

1. Read Psalm 25:12-14. In what kind of people does God confide? What exactly does he make known to them?

2. Today’s letter was inspired by John 13. John identifies himself as “the disciple whom Jesus loved,” the one who leaned back, asked, and received. On the same night, Jesus called his followers “friends” (John 15:15); John called Jesus “Lord” (John 13:25). What’s the tension between pursuing intimate friendship with Jesus and following him as leader (see John 15:14)? If I come to Jesus with questions, am I also willing to follow the answer?

3. Read Mark 4:1-20. Why do you think the twelve disciples got to hear the explanation of the parable of the sower when the crowd did not? Why did Jesus tell those who asked for the meaning of the parable, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you,” the disciples specifically? What do the disciples do in verse 10 that sets them apart from the crowd?

4. What do you think of the idea that God wants to share his secrets with you? What’s the primary way he chooses to do that? If you want God to confide more in you, how can you make room for that? What practical steps can you take to invite God to share his heart with you? See Psalm 15 for ideas.

5. What questions are you wrestling with right now? Take a moment to sit in the Lord’s presence and whisper your questions to him.

6. Why do you think Jesus trusted John with his secret? Consider why Jesus entrusted Peter, James, and John with seeing his transfiguration in Matthew 17.

7. What kind of relationship are you seeking with Jesus? Describe it and then ask the Lord for it.

Thank you, Jesus, that you have called your followers “friends.” Thank you for sharing your secrets with us through the Bible. I appreciate that I can bring my deepest, hardest questions to you, and you delight to answer me. Thank you that there’s a sweet intimacy as I lean into you.